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So a long time ago, a little movie called Pulp Fiction was released to theaters.  It was a good thing, too, because ever since critics have been able to say that they didn’t enjoy a movie because it was ripping off Pulp Fiction’s signature dialogue or it’s out of sequence story-telling or who the hell knows what else.  The point is that thanks to Quentin Tarantino (a man who has admitted that he pays homage to dozens of films in his features), a generation of filmmakers were inspired to rip off pay homage to QT and streamline the whole, well, “homage-ing” process for time’s sake.

Lucky Number Slevin isn’t anything like Pulp Fiction except for the hitmen, crime bosses, pop culture references, staccato-fast dialogue… etc.  The film opens with Bruce Willis in a wheelchair regaling a nameless man in a bus station with a tale of what a Kansas City Shuffle is: “A Kansas City Shuffle is when everybody looks right, you go left.” Then a flashback follows that is meant to set up the whole film.  After he’s done with his story, Willis kills the man, steals his body, and we’re greeted to a series of quick assassinations of random people and then the introduction of Josh Hartnett as Slevin Kelevra, our hero.  Slevin has just arrived in New York City and is immediately mistaken for his friend Nick Fischer with no way to prove otherwise since he was mugged prior to being accosted by the misinformed goons.  It turns out Nick owes money to The Boss (Morgan Freeman apparently needing a quick paycheck) and in exchange for wiping out the debt, The Boss will spare “Nick” (Slevin) if he helps kill the son of his arch-rival, The Rabbi (played by Ben Kingsley who is in need of a quicker paycheck).  Slevin agrees, but mostly because he’s in nothing but a towel and The Boss threatens his life (wouldn’t you agree to kill someone if all you were wearing was a towel and Morgan Freeman was giving you his evil eye?  Liar).  As soon as Slevin is returned to Nick’s apartment (still without Nick anywhere in sight), he’s picked up by The Rabbi’s goons (thankfully this time having been allowed to have dressed).   The Rabbi explains that “Nick” owes him a large sum of money as well and gives him 48 hours to pay up.  Slevin leaves and weighs all of the options put in front of him.  After his exit, Bruce Willis appears with The Rabbi and we learn that he is none other than the legendary assassin, Mr. Goodkat (strikes fear into your hearts, doesn’t it?).  Now during all of this, Slevin also meets Nick’s cute, bubbly neighbor Lindsey (Lucy Liu) and immediately falls for her which is good since this movie really needed a love interest and not a script doctor.  For the next hour and a half we’re greeted to tense situations with crooked cops, badass assassins, crafty mob bosses, hapless thugs, and Josh Hartnett showing that he can see just fine while squinting, thank you very much.  Double crosses, plot twists, and revealing flashbacks allow you to be surprised by absolutely nothing that happens in this movie.  The great moment where the protagonist plays his final hand and reveals all the details features only the only two people on the planet surprised by the outcome: the bad guys.

We’re treated to some great, quirky character moments, some very well directected action scenes by director Paul McGuigan (Gangster No. 1, Wicker Park) and ultimately the film ends up being a lot of fun to watch even though we’ve seen these third act “twists” a dozen times in better films (and many a Murder, She Wrote episode).  All in all, a worthy feature for a warm weekday viewing and another reason for why I like bad movies.

There are good movies, there are bad movies, there are good bad movies, and then there are movies that were at one point on the track to being a major motion picture starring Harrison Ford… and then ended up being good bad movies.  Deep Rising follows “boat-for-hire” captain John Finnegan (B-movie trooper, Treat Williams) and his two person crew, Joey “Tooch” Pantucci (Kevin J. O’Connor of “The Mummy” fame) and Leila (Una Damon of… I’ve never heard of her).  Finnegan and his partners have been hired by a team of mercenaries (made up of some of the creme de la creme of “I’ve seen that guy before in something” actors this side of Smokin’ Aces) that has them jetting out into the South China Sea with a hull full of stinger missiles and nary a detail as to why.  The band of merry mercenaries consists of Wes Studi (Last of the Mohicans) as their leader and Jason Fleyming (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels), Djimon Hounsou (The Island), Cliff Curtis (Live Free or Die Hard), Trevor Goddard (Mortal Kombat), and Clifton Powell (Friday) rounding out the roll call.  Finnegan’s illegal little operation’s motto is the ever-so-catchy, “if the cash is there, we do not care” and even Tooch knows that this life philosophy will eventually bite them in the ass and it seems tonight might be the night.  The target is a luxury cruise liner called the Argonautica (god, I love B-movies…), the pride and joy of tycoon Simon Canton (Anthony Heald at his slimiest since Silence of the Lambs) who it turns out has hired the mercs to rob and sink the ship so he can collect the insurance money.  This plan would have been a rousing success (although I don’t know how 8 mercenaries and 3 smugglers can take out an entire cruise liner’s worth of passengers and crew) if not for the ship becoming infested with a giant member of the Ottoia family of sea creatures.  By the time the “heroes” of our story arrive to loot and plunder, every passenger and crew member, with the exception of Canton, the ship’s captain, and a jewel thief named Trillian (X-Men‘s Famke Jansen) have been killed or eaten by the Ottoia’s tentacles that snake and stalk through the bowels of the ship.  What follows is basically Aliens but with more one-liners and a jet ski instead of Power Loader.

Deep Rising was at one point a project that was build around getting Harrison into a monster movie only to have him decline and then the studio have the whole project downsized.  The only reason this is a relavent piece of trivia is that when you know this going in to watching the movie, you can’t help but admire Treat Williams portrayal of our “hero” Finnegan as basically Han Solo with a much more annoying sidekick and a group of guys that really do seem like they’re from a den of scum and villainy.

So what’s to love about this picture?  C’mon.  EVERYTHING.  Williams portrays a character that can pilot a jet ski and open elevator doors with a shotgun AT THE SAME TIME.  You have a team of rogues that are picked off one at a time but still get that one bonding scene early in the movie that makes you go, ” It’s not homoerotic if they have a mexican stand-off, right?”  Wes Studi never breaks his stone-faced expression even in the face of vagina-with-teeth-tentacle-monsters attacking.  The score is by master movie composer Jerry Goldsmith and works perfectly for the flick.  The state-of-the-art weapons used by the mercs make no logical sense and frankly shouldn’t even physically work, but at least look cool throughout.  Famke Jansen rolls her eyes more than her character probably demanded (but just enough that the script should have).  Plus, this flick is written and directed by the man who knows bad movies, Stephen Sommers of the first two Mummy movies, Van Helsing, and G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra.  In fact, every time I think about just how utterly dreadful G.I. Joe was, I think back to how much Sommers impressed me with this fun little jaunt and wonder if he’ll ever be able to do it again.  I enjoyed every second of Deep Rising when I saw it and it is, in my opinion, the basis for my love of the truly B-movies that currently decorate my film library.  It’s probably one of the main reasons Why I Like Bad Movies.

Disney family films don’t tend to register on my radar too often.  When they do, it’s usually to shake my head in shame at the current state of action stars like the Rock and Vin Diesel doing ridiculous family films to pay their mortgages.  One could assume that since I’m a huge comic book fan that I’ll immediately gravitate towards steeped in comic book references or plotting.  That’s a poor assumption.  I’ve hated many a “comic book movie” so don’t think just ’cause it’s got people in tights flying around and saving the day, it’s an automatic “gimme” for membership on my DVD shelf.

The film follows teenager Will Stronghold (played by Michael Angarano) who is about to enter Sky High, the high school for the children of superheroes.  Will’s parents happen to be the world famous crime-fighting duo of The Commander (Kurt Russell) and Jetstream (Kelly Preston) and he’s expected to inherit some of their powers and carry on the family name.  Problem is… he hasn’t gotten any powers yet.  This places him in the “sidekick” clique in Sky High (with the “hero” clique being the popular and powerful kids).  The metaphors in Sky High are blatantly obvious.  Cliques, puberty, crushes, and betrayals are all hammered home with the subtly of Rambo.  That’s not the point, though.  This film isn’t about subtly or original concepts.  It’s about a quaint tale of high school and setting it against the backdrop of the superhero world with a truly great supporting cast made up of Bruce Campbell, Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Linda Carter, and Kevin Hefferman.  Every actor shows up with the right about of enthuiasm for their character and makes their small scenes stand out without making the film seem crowded. Angarano and his costars make what could feel like a rejected cast from the Freaks and Geeks instead seems slightly charming.  Also, the superhero element never feels misused as cliched and hollow, but rather creates a backdrop that could be anyone’s favorite comic book universe.

With special effects hold up well on rewatching, the young actors involved hold their own, and Sky High itself remains a solid example of why I like bad movies.

Remakes are a tricky beast.  No one really wants them to be made.  If there was a large fanbase for a previously released film that could justify a cult following, there would an equally large enough demographic of people who were just fine with the old movie and didn’t need to see it recast, reshot, and re… somethinged.  I’ve watched this happen dozens of times with dozens of movies and every time there’s some vocal section of fandom that are calling for the heads of those who have “raped our childhood” with their careless and butchering remake of a “heartfelt classic.”   Personally, I don’t see the problem.  If they ever made a remake of, say, Escape from New York, I’d just go watch it, roll my eyes, and then go home and watch my remastered DVD version.  It’s the studio’s money.  Let them blow it on whatever they want.  No one is forcing you to watch their crap.

This brings me to a film that I kind of adore for its sheer disregard for all things logical, realistic, and well-crafted.  We’re talking about Death Race.  A very loose remake of the cult classic, Death Race 2000, the updated version stars Jason Statham and Tyrese Gibson as prisoners of the Terminal Island Penitentiary that are forced to compete in the world’s highest-rated televised sports program, Death Race.  The characters are paper-thin, the cast (which includes the actual talents of Joan Allen and Ian McShane) is forced to recite stilted and awkward dialogue, and the physics of the action scenes defies all known reason.  This is, of course, Why I Like Bad Movies.   We follow Statham’s character of Jensen Ames, framed for the murder of his wife and sentenced to life in prison, as the crooked warden of Terminal Island (Allen) offers him the role of Frankenstein, a fan favorite celebrity in the game, as a way out of jail.  Ames begrudgingly accepts and gets wrapped up in the chaos and violence that is the Death Race with prisoners piloting suped up cars armed to the teeth with firepower and armor for the chance at freedom.  There are no twists that are unpredictable and no action scenes that can be described as “subtle,” but this movie really does manage to satisfy all of the needs of a true action movie junkie.  Director Paul W.S. Anderson has a ton of great “bad” movies under his belt with Soldier, Resident Evil, and Event Horizon topping the list and he adds Death Race with a childish fervor of action and sly wink at the standards of “quality.”

Whether it’s Statham spewing punchy one-liners with his unbelievably hot (and I mean that as, “she’s way too hot to be believable”) co-pilot, the action scenes that combine NASCAR and the Road Warrior, or completely throwaway character of Machine Gun Joe for Tyrese to play, Death Race fires on all cylinders (I had to use a pun) of truly great awful movie making.  It’s another reason Why I Like Bad Movies.

I’ve seen a lot of movies.  I mean, a ton.  I worked 5 years in a Hollywood Video and before that I survived middle school and high school on a steady diet of 5 rentals a week.  I had friends, I swear.  I just really dig films.  As I get older, I find myself really digging some bad ones, but honestly… They’re really great.

See, expectations are the enemy of everything.  Books, music, sex, parties, politicians, you name it.  Barack Obama could be the greatest president we ever have, but the expectations for his administration are staggering.  You throw that attitude at something overly hyped like The Dark Knight or Titanic or Forrest Gump and you’ll see some pretty unsatisfied viewers.  They’ll most likely say the following, “It was good.  I mean, I can see why so many people liked it… I just expected more.”  Some variation of that phrase usually will be the review.  You can only imagine what might happen with a movie that isn’t a blockbuster or critically acclaimed or even quality in the slightest.  These are the movies that make up a good third of my DVD collection.  These films are Why I Like Bad Movies.

Today I bought Punisher War Zone.  This movie is terrible, don’t get me wrong.  The acting is wooden and accents are hidden poorly and attempted worse (British actors do Brooklyn and American’s attempt Irish, all in the same scene), the action is gory as all hell (one scene involve the Punisher dispatching a villain like he’s a Pez dispenser) and the plot is non-existent (I honestly forgot there was one towards the end).  Yet, I saw this movie three times in the theater.  Why?  Because it’s just so much fun.  The trick with a character like the Punisher, a product of a bygone vigilante-obsessed era known as, “the 80′s,” is that you have to play it full tilt.  You can’t hold back one inch or you’ll lose what makes that character still resonate:  Revenge Fantasy.  See, John McClane in Die Hard probably kills more people than the Punisher but does it in a wife-beater instead of a costume.  While the vigilante has been done over and over again as so many different characters, exploring the idea of the audience being able to exact their frustrations on the cannon fodder of criminals will never go out of style.  Punisher War Zone even kicks it up a notch to Rambo levels of gore allowing for so many, “They did NOT just do that,” moments that any true Bad Movie Action Fan will crack at least one smile.

No this film is not for everyone.  Hell, it’s probably only for ten people.  Suffice it to say, Punisher War Zone is Why I Like Bad Movies.